Welcome to my weekly blog installment called Mental Monday's. A day for me to bitch about something without putting it into my regular posts. You are warned. These posts I don't hold back, and sometimes involves a lot of swearing.
.....feel free to add any bitches of yours into the comment section!!!
This weeks theme is focused around SEX...yes I said it, and no it's not taboo....
1. Virginity for an iPhone: Let me get this straight, you are offering up the most precious thing that you possess for a fucking phone? You are a whore, there is no other words for this stupidity. The girl tweeted a photo of herself along with some basic info, letting everyone know she would give her virginity to anyone that buys her an iPhone 4, cause her daddy wouldn't let her get one. I wonder what she would do for a iPhone 5???? Give up her first born???
2. Apple flavoured Horse Semen: Yes I said semen, this blows my fucking mind. Bexstar are you aware of this going down in your country? A pub in Wellington, New Zealand, has caused quite a stir after it decided to serve apple-flavored horse semen shots to its customers for $25. The fact here is if your paying for cum you have some serious issues. I try to avoid having this in my mouth at all costs let alone showing up to a bar looking for it on purpose.
|Gettin' Jizzy with it....na na na na na na na|
3. Japanese Phallic Festival: Yes ladies a festival to worship the penis. This festival is for women to praise the sexuality gods and asked for protection from sexually transmitted diseases. I got a silly idea, why not just wear a condom???? If your worshiping a plastic penis and praying not to get a STD, then you have bigger issues...your a floozy.
4. I Love my Muff Kit: I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon and a good chunk of cash than giving my vagina a series of wacky and completely unnecessary spa treatments. Oh wait — yes I can: almost anything else!!! The I Love My Muff kit is stocked with beauty products to pamper your poonanny. Choose from two types: Blue, which "invokes a mystical feeling of invigoration reminding you of botanical dew drops suspended in a welcomed breeze" or Green, described as having "a fresh, warm and inviting quality, like the perfect sip of tea and honey in a garden of vanilla and citrus blossoms." Okaaay. Each includes a bottle of wash that "glides like hydrating jelly and smooth honey" (gag) and fresh wipes for the "muff on the move"...I'm not kidding.
5. Earth Angel: Dubbed the "most eco-friendly toy on the planet" This vibrator is made from recycled plastic and is battery free, but how does it work you ask? It has a crank that you have to wind for 4 minutes. Are you kidding me??? I might as well just use my fingers then. After 4 minutes of cranking my hand will be so cramped I'm not gonna want to pleasure myself anyways.
Sex Toy's for Dogs: We have to take care of our animals people. Why should they go without, and end up humping our visitors legs. This toy will take care of all that and a bag of chips. Just don't leave it laying around or people just might start asking if your into beastiality.....lol
7. Derriere De Plume: Just because it's french doesn't make it sexy. Did you ever want a tail? Well now you can, just shove this plug in your ass and Voila!!!
8. Oral Sex Snorkel: If I seen my husband trying to go down on me with this on his face I would probably laugh so hard I would end up kneeing him in the face. Who comes up with this shit and what were they doing down there that they couldn't breath in the first place? Wonder if it works for swimming...hmmmm
9. Nail Polish Vibrator: When you're out and about, you don't want to be caught with a vibrator in your bag - how embarrassing! Instead, carry the Nail Polish Vibe - innocent looking yet devilishly naughty, this stylish piece of kit will provide hours of discxreet fun, whenever and wherever required! Is this FOR REAL....how many women would carry a vibrator in their bags anyways??? I want to get one of these just to leave at the salon and watch someone find it....lol
10. Penis shaped light fixture: Last but certainly not least a penis chandelier, what every house needs. I can just imagine what my friends would be doing. I know I would be taking a picture of myself with my tongue out, or trying to get "tea bagged"......lol...but that's just me...what would you do?
That's it for this week people, have a great week...Now go and have some hot monkey sex!!!!!